


regret for a deal not made

by unicyclehippo



Series: Blue Girls Have The Most Fun [29]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-22 13:20:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22983403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unicyclehippo/pseuds/unicyclehippo
Summary: prompt: "Do you regret it?"or, jester and beau have a conversation - mostly about beau, a little about the hag
Series: Blue Girls Have The Most Fun [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824289
Comments: 3
Kudos: 104





	regret for a deal not made

‘Do you regret it?'

'Regret what?’

‘Not making the deal.’

It’s the first time anyone has brought it up since—well, since that night—and Beau starts in surprise, turns to the girl standing beside her. Jester isn’t looking at her, leaning heavily against the railing instead to look down over the city, the people going about their business.

Beau opens her mouth to say _No_ , to say _Of course not_ , but finds she can’t.

‘Maybe,’ she says, and takes full advantage of the fact that her friend isn’t watching to drink in the sight of her. The way her chin drops onto her folded arms. The way her tail curls sadly around her own ankle. The way the sun glints off the jewellery that hangs from her sweet curling horns. ‘I’m sorry,’ she offers, to see if that might do anything.

It does.

Jester tilts her head to the side, which lets her peek with one eye up to Beau standing beside her. She tucks a sad smile into the corner of her lips.

‘Do you really want to leave?’

Beau sighs.

‘I’m sorry. I just - I don’t understand.’

‘It’s not about that.’

‘Then what _is_ it about?’ Jester pushes up, slides along the rail so she’s right at Beau’s side. She moves in a way Beau suspects she learned from watching her mama—moves so that she is between Beau and her view of the city, a hand dropping into Beau’s, thumb swiping over the jut of Beau’s wrist, head tilted just so and eyes open wide, entreating, the picture-perfect expression of someone you can trust, someone you can confide in. And despite the fact Beau knows it’s put on, learned, it doesn’t mean that it’s not super fucking effective.

Beau shifts. Not enough to dislodge Jester. Her hands clench on the railing and she looks down to them, to the blue hand on her own.

‘It’s not—that I don’t care. I know what Fjord thinks and it’s - I get it. I do. But it’s—the deal was for misery. If I didn’t care, it wouldn’t have been misery. Right?’

Jester nods, jewellery tinkling like little silver bells.

Beau suspects her expression might wreck her so she doesn’t look.

‘Someday soon, this is gonna come to an end,’ she continues quietly. ‘It’s gonna be messy and sudden, or messy and slow, bits of our group cutting away, and then it’ll be done. And I’m—‘ Beau stops. Clears her throat. ‘I don’t regret that I get longer with you guys. It was never about that. Every day I get to be part of this is so awesome, it’s incredible. I _love_ you guys,’ Beau says, and this time she does look up, has to, has to make sure that Jester _knows_ how much she loves her family. Dark eyes catch her own and Beau can’t look away long enough to see if Jester is smiling or frowning.

Beau slides her hand over to cover Jester’s, the one she had rested on Beau’s to start this whole thing, and Jester’s lashes flutter for an instant, but not enough to break Beau free of her gaze.

‘I have some control issues,’ she says more softly than she meant to. It just sounds sad now instead of funny, self-deprecating, the way she had intended it. ‘I wanted it to mean something. Being alone again.’

‘Alone?’ Jester repeats.

Beau sighs. ‘What do you think, Jes? Nott is gonna go home to her family. Cad is gonna go home to his, and bury people for the rest of his life and make tea and be happy there. Caleb is gonna stay with Essek and learn dunamagic or become a teacher or go travelling with Allura or something.’

‘And Fjord? And me?’

Beau musters up a shitty excuse for a smile. Hadn’t Jester answered that herself in that same question?

‘You belong in the south, in Nicodranas. It suits you. And it’s poorer without you. And at the end of the day, I’m—I don’t say this to make you sad, Jes, it’s just the truth. You have your mum and your dad, even. Fjord has Cad and maybe the Stone’s. Everyone has someone. So yeah. Yeah, sometimes I think it’d be easier and better if I had just. Made the deal.’

Jester nods slowly. ‘Okay.’

‘Okay?’

She shrugs, nods again. ‘I asked. I wanted to know and—you told me.’

‘Yeah.’

‘So…thank you.’

‘Sure.’

Beau doesn’t think Jester agrees with her assessment. Maybe it’s naïveté, maybe Beau is just the most pessimistic person in the world. But she doesn’t try to correct Beau, and for now, turning back toward the city, she doesn’t offer her own opinion either. Which is nice, in a way. Beau is sick of the looks and the mild attacks from the others who will only think of her leaving, her wanting to leave, as some kind of betrayal. She eases forward, leans against the railing beside her friend.

‘I’m sorry if I hurt you, Jes.’

Jester leans her head against Beau’s shoulder, mindful of her horns.


End file.
